I was right 

It’s been a whole year since I first got to know him. Only a year.

At the same time, I can’t believe that it’s been a year. I remember the day so clearly (well parts of it), but I remember exactly how I felt. I remember waiting after work for my friend to meet me for our Christmas drinks/dinner night and he came out after me, he was going to his friends flat and asked me what I was waiting for and when I told him, he told me to have a good night. 

I got butterflies. It’s so silly but every conversation we had at that point, however pointless or insignificant meant everything to me. I wanted to go with him – to his friends flat. I remember wanting my night to be spent with him more than with my friend, which was crazy. 

Then he texted me whilst I was eating dinner to check that my friend had actually shown up and I hadn’t been stood up. That was the first text he sent me, and I got butterflies again. There was a part of me that knew he was thinking about me, and even if it wasn’t in the same way that I was thinking about him, I was on his mind for sure, and that meant everything. 

Once I got a few drinks down me I was brave enough to add him on snapchat, and sent him various pictures of my drinks, me and my friend posing and definitely a few selfies. I was flirting with him. It was beyond crazy, I wanted him. I wanted him to tell me he would meet me after, or to ask me out for a Christmas drink, or to tell me he wanted to spend some time with me. The things that were running through my head were in no way that of a sane person, I had fallen for him so hard, but I knew he wasn’t there. Not yet anyway. 

At the time none of it made sense. I couldn’t understand how this stranger was having such an impact on my thoughts, my feelings, my life. He gave me butterflies every single time we spoke and I wanted to be around him as much as possible. I wanted to know more about him and his life. He intrigued me in a way that nobody else ever has. I remember the next day (because by now we’d built up a sort of constant texting friendship thing) I messaged him and said ‘tell me something about yourself’. That was hands down the most direct I’ve ever been with someone that I hardly knew. I think I baffled him too because he kept asking what I wanted to know. But the truth was, I wanted to know everything. I wanted to bond with him, I could’ve talked to him all night if he’d let me. I had fallen for him, completely and utterly and it left me so dumbfounded that I couldn’t help but pursue it. I knew that he had been brought into my life for a reason that I just didn’t know yet and I let my heart rule my head. Every logical thought completely evaporated and I allowed myself to act like a lovesick teenager, and I loved it.

I loved the feeling of wanting someone so bad without explaination. I loved that it was all so confusing in my head and most likely non existent in his, I loved it all because it felt like fate. It felt like a movie. I was drawn to this man like a magnet for no reason whatsoever and the thought of him and us consumed me. Life right then for me was terrible, but he (without even realising it) gave me something to focus on and a reason to fight. I stopped being so afraid of my future because I knew that I wanted it to be with him, and he was the best person I’d ever met. I knew that a life with him would a be a life worth living ten times over. 

And I was right. I was so, so right. 

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safe zone

I did it again.

I looked at that girls profile, the one that’s only two weeks ahead of what I would’ve been, and I want to cry. 

It’s a horrible thing to do, I’m playing games with my own mind and nothing good ever comes from it. Her gender scan is on Monday, which means I’m just two weeks time, just after Christmas, we would’ve found out what we were having. 

Time has gone so quickly that even now it astounds me to think that it’s been over 7 weeks since I did it. Almost two months have passed, and even though I should be grateful that I’m moving further and further away from that shitty day, all I can seem to think about is how much more pregnant I would be by now. How big I would be, how close we’d be to buying blue clothes or pink clothes and choosing names and wall colours. How we’d well and truly be in the safe zone by now, and free to tell all of our friends the news. I’d definitely be showing as well, the girl on my instagram has such a neat bump all ready and it’s only her first baby, they say you get much bigger with your second. 

I don’t know what it is about today, I don’t know if it’s because I had to speak to the doctor about it this morning, or whether it’s because I’ve suddenly become so broody that it hurts even more to think it all. It was easier before, when I decided that I didn’t want one and I didn’t want to get pregnant ever again. It meant that everything we’d lost wasn’t in vain. Well not really, but I was able to see it that way, sort of. 

But now I’m back to being broody again, so broody but so scared of it all. I just keep thinking what if?  And I knew I would because I’m that person. All I ever do is think about what could’ve happened and the chances I didn’t take and this is a massive chance that I didn’t take, that I didn’t risk and I wish more than anything that I could just know what would’ve happened if we’d gone ahead.

I feel as though I’m typing the same things day in, day out. Which is why I haven’t wrote much just lately, this is becoming less of a blog and more like a space where I just vent about the same thing. I can’t even read back because it makes me sadder than I already am and on good days I just don’t bother writing at all, which must make this all one hell of a depressing read. 

On the plus side I’m feeling a little more Christmassy which is a positive. I just need to get to 2017 so that I can say that this is all last year. 

I think I’ll feel better that way. 

tsunami

I have the headache to end all headaches. 

I hate feeling so crappy. I hate feeling like something’s wrong when it shouldn’t be, or should it? 

Something has changed. It weird because I know said that about 10 posts ago, but back then I didn’t really know what change was. Now I do. I can feel it and I know that nothing is the same right now as it was before. I feel different and I wish more than anything that I didn’t. My minds gone into overdrive and I’m drained from my own thoughts. I can’t even form a sentence properly because I’m so preoccupied with everything that’s swimming around in my head that’s slowly turning into a tsunami.

I need to cry, I just need a long shower and a cry and maybe then I’ll feel half decent. I don’t even know what I’ll be crying about, or maybe I do. I don’t know, everything’s a bit confusing right now. 

Life suddenly got crappy and there’s a massive part of me that just wasn’t ready for it. About 6 months ago I was on edge and always ready for disaster to strike. I always thought it was just on the horizon, waiting to attack me when I was least expecting it, so I was always expecting it, and in a strange way, it made me feel safe. But then nothing did go wrong, and I started to let go and to enjoy the fact that nothing was wrong, and I genuinely started to love life. 

But now, I wish I had been expecting this, I wish I’d seen it coming and I wish that I’d been more prepared, because it’s hit me hard. Really, really hard. 

no prisoners

This last year has been an absolute whirlwind. 

Timehop reminds me every day of just how miserable I was a year ago. I look at the pictures I shared or the posts I tweeted and there’s a memory behind every single one – mostly bad. Pretty much every day was a blur last December, I was in a really dark place. 

It’s strange though, just how happy I was able to seem and how nothing really hinted at the fact I was struggling, or that I was heartbroken, devasted, drained of emotion. I still seemed happy, I still looked happy, but looking back I know that I was only sharing what I wanted people to see and portraying the girl I wanted people to believe I was, which was, and still is the saddest part of it all. 

I wanted to seem as though I had my shit together when I really didn’t and I wanted more than anything for things to magically fall into place, but I never in a million years thought that they would. I kept thinking about how 2016 was going to be for me and all I saw was a catastrophic mess. I envisioned myself crying day in day out and I deep down believed that it was going to be the worst year of my entire life. Everything that I had going for me felt irrelevant because I was so wrapped up in this bubble of believing that my relationship was the be all and end all of everything. That I wouldn’t survive out of it, or more importantly, that I wouldn’t want to.

So flash forward 12 whole months and I’m a brand new me. The last year has brought me more highs than any other year that I’ve lived, and I’ve found a love that I never thought existed, and even now I still have to pinch myself because it all just seems so surreal. 

But more than anything, this last year has taught me that nothing is predictable. It doesn’t matter just how determined you are to make something work or to see something through to the end. It doesn’t matter who’s in your life and who’s out of it and it definitely doesn’t matter how comfortable you are or even how happy you are. Life takes no prisoners. Things will happen whether you want them to or not, people will leave whether you want them to or not and believe it or not, the things that you’re certain that you want to happen won’t always be the things that you’ll want a year down the line. 

And so this, has left me wondering at 1am. Where on earth will I be this time next year? 

carbon copy

It’s rare to find a soul exactly like yours. Or to come across someone who’s brain works completely in sync with your own. But I have. 

For almost three days I was playing mind games with myself and I was afraid to tell him how I was feeling through fear of looking silly or insecure or petty. But yesterday, it came out. I knew it would, but I’d hoped it wouldn’t. 

He is without a doubt the carbon copy of me. He managed to make even the silliest thoughts seem as though they mattered. He consoled me, he made me feel better without even having to try and not once did he belittle me or make me feel as stupid as I was already feeling. 

I am so blessed to have found him and to have found someone who I can be myself around even when it’s not the best version of me. He understands the way that I think and feel and we just connect in a way that I though would be impossible. I thought that there would be nobody out there who was exactly like me, but he is and it makes me fall more in love with him by the second. 

Everybody has a soulmate, I have always believed that, and I’ve been lucky enough to find mine. He is my everything, forever.