puzzle pieces

The weather is beautiful today and I finally feel as though my mood is lifting. Whatever crappy feeling I’ve had over the last few weeks is shifting more and more towards happiness, and I feel so much better because of it. 

I think that when we’re angry or hurt or confused it’s quite easy just to ignore any attempts that the other party tries to take to put things right. It’s a lot easier to just stay angry than it is to sit down and accept what they’re trying to tell you, especially when you’re not sure if it’s something you’re going to want to hear. 

I’ve been like that for the last few days, I’ve been difficult and moody and I’ve just wanted to sulk in my own misery and I’ve taken every little thing the way that I’ve wanted to interpret it. I’m not saying that I’ve been wrong, but I’ve not exactly made things easy either. So yesterday morning, when we sat down and talked everything out, I asked the exact same questions I’d been asking for weeks, and I got the exact same answers I’ve been listening to for weeks, but this time, the  answers didn’t seem as hard to listen to, and it finally felt as though this whole scenario was over. 

I know that this might not be the end of it all and things might become awkward or distant again, in fact they most definitely will, because when you’re planning on spending your whole life with someone, you have to accept the good with the bad and recognise that not every day will be full of laughter and sheer happiness. That there will be tough times and nasty arguments and nights spent not talking and other nights spent only talking about the trivial things like money and time rather than cuddling and watching movies. I didn’t come into this relationship naive, because I know just how hard you have to work to keep it all alive. But I did become naive whilst I was in it, and I believed that every single day would be like those first few months, because we just seemed to fit so perfectly. 

And we still do, now more than ever. We just needed to give the puzzle pieces abit of a shuffle and adjust the picture a little. 

Because it’s not always rainbows and butterflies, it’s compromise that moves us a long….

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Today is the absolute worst I’ve felt, in the longest time.

I can’t stop crying, I can’t stop thinking. I just feel so so so alone.

If someone had told me a year ago that I’d end up feeling like this, I would’ve laughed in their face. I was so unbelievably happy, I never saw myself being sad again, or at least not like this.

Sometimes I think in the long run, I’m just destined to be alone.

 

mapped out

I just started this post saying that everything had changed, but then I realised that’s how I’ve started at least two other posts on my blog, so I decided to delete it.

The truth is, everything has changed. I don’t really know when or why, and my guess is just that we’ve become familiar with one another and we’re out of the honeymoon period, well at least thats how it feels.

There are moments in some days that are still absolutely magical, and I don’t doubt how much we love one another, because I know its a tremendous amount – and it’s still growing, but just lately, we’ve seemed to go through some sort of transitional period, and the buzz from the first 5,6,7 months has changed into something else, and I can’t really put my finger on it.

In all honesty, I think that part of it does come down to living together, it’s something that we’ve both addressed before, but it’s hard to talk about it without it seeming like moving in together was a bad idea. But before we did live together, every time we planned to meet was basically a date. It was time, set aside specifically for us to spend time together and do something together. Even when he moved near me, for the first few weeks I didn’t stay over every single night so the nights that I did, the whole night was ours, and we’d binge watch movies and make snacks and drink hot chocolate, and in the day, when we had days off work we’d make pizza or go for lunch or binge watch more movies. We were always doing something together, which was fine because the time that we didn’t spend together, we’d do our own thing and it all balanced out.

But when you live with someone, that all changes. Because you’re together all of the time, you have to try and delegate your free time between spending time with one another and doing your own thing and enjoying some ‘me’ time and I’m not gonna lie, it was a lot easier to do that when that time was already mapped out.

Now theres no clear line of ‘me’ time and ‘us’ time. It’s all ‘us’ time that gets split off and broken into chunks where we have our own time and try to figure out how much time is enough or too much time to be doing something thats not with each other. It’s something that I know we’ll figure out, eventually, but it’s not just that. It feels as though the ‘us’ time isn’t as exclusive as it once was, because where we used to plan to do things together, now we plan when to do things apart and spend all of that other time figuring out something to do together.

I think I’m just emotional this week and everything just feels way worse. I’m really aware of everything at the minute, behaviour, actions, words. I just feel it all way more than I usually do, like my senses are heightened, and I think I’ve just realised how our communication with one another has changed. Even little things, that a year ago we were so excited to do, now feel more like a chore. In the beginning, any time together was special, whether that was shopping in Ikea or walking around Tesco picking snacks, or sitting in the car for an extra half an hour just to talk. It was all special. We talked way more, we laughed more, and I felt as though we were invincible. I thought that it would always be that way, which I knew was impossible but it felt like that at the time. Like we’d never stop talking, or enjoying each others company, or do anything just to see each other for five minutes. Now it feels more like we’d do anything just to do the complete opposite.

I guess that its normal for this to happen, when you become used to be around someone all of the time, and waking up together goes from being a three times a week thing to an every day thing. But I can’t figure our why I’m feeling it now. I mean, we’ve been living together for nearly 10 months. Or maybe it’s because we were still in that honeymoon period even then, when we first lived together, because we’d only been together a few months. I guess I do wonder sometimes what we’d be like if we were still living separately now, and whether we’d be in the same position.

Somehow, I think not.