Today already feels shit and it’s only 10.30.
You know that feeling when you hear something you’re not expecting, like bad news or you see something that hurts you in places you didn’t revenge know you could feel pain. It’s like you’ve been winded by an imaginary punch, and you feel sick and hollow all at the same time.
That’s how I feel today.
I found the sticks and stones saying so stupid at school, and I still do now. Words can hurt. Words can hurt you in a completely different way, it’s not physical but it may as well be. And last night I heard some words that hurt, and I’m still hurting now.
I can see how unintential the whole thing was, and how insignificant this all seems. But we’re all allowed to feel, and some of us feel things in a different way to others. We hurt over different things and we cry for different reasons. Some of us are tougher than others and can endure pain both physical and emotional without shedding a single tear. But for others, there’s weak spots and triggers and things that hurt for all different kind of reasons, and then that’s it. Day ruined.
My day isn’t ruined. Not completely, because I’m determined that today I’m not going to lay in bed and cry. I’m crying now but I’m going to stop. And I’m going to stop thinking about it – eventually. But it doesn’t mean I’ll forget, and it doesn’t mean that this hasn’t just added another straw to a camels already pretty heavy back.
I fell asleep last night wishing that I didn’t love as hard as I do. My mum always told me not to give all of myself to someone, because in the end, you always end up hurt. And I’ve always tried to live like that – kind of. But with this, I didn’t. I literally gave all of myself, days after it all began becaus I had no intention of ever having to give any of myself to anyone ever again, so it all seemed worth it. I had no doubts, no worries. I thought that this was my forever and that I could be as generous as I wanted to be with my love because it was all reciprocated. But now I’m not so sure.