w word

Hey. 

It’s been a while, I know. In fact it’s been almost two months since I last blogged and I have no idea why. 

I don’t even know why I feel the need to today as nothing particularly special has happened, I’m not crying, I’m not feeling especially hormonal, I’m not even angry. I just feel like I need to type. 

I should’ve blogged recently. There have been a few dark days and maybe one moment where I thought I’d lost myself. There have been plenty of tears and more drama than I’ve known how to deal with and I’ve learnt that we can’t expect others to treat us the way we treat them. But for some reason, I just couldn’t bring myself to sit down and type about it, partly because I couldn’t understand it, but the other part, was down to accepting it. 

I’ve lost friends, mostly. To the point where I’ve started to feel lonely. Mostly today, because not only have I lost the kind of friends that I could make plans to see for a quick coffee or a full night out in town. I’ve lost the people that I would just message for a quick chat, or the ones that would come over for dinner or a glass (bottle) of wine. I’ve lost ones from nursery, from college and from uni ( yes it is possible to lose that many friends in a short period of time, trust me, I know) and in the process I’ve started to lose myself – just a little. 

You see, I don’t know if I’ve done anything wrong, not in particular. But I know that in other circumstances, this wouldn’t have happened. It’s not a circumstance that I would choose, but I’ve realised that the common denominator in all of these lost friendships is the w word. My wedding.

There’s been maid of honor drama, bridesmaid drama and who’s invited to the ceremony drama and in the process, a lot of people have been hurt for different reasons. 

They tell you this. In films and books. They mostly depict the bride as this crazy cold hearted bitch. Someone who won’t take no for an answer and is determined to have the day of her dreams, whatever the cost. Someone who will cut off friends without a second thought and will replace them with air headed bimbos they’ve known for 5 minutes. 

But that’s not me. I haven’t been that person. I’ve had to make some pretty tough decisions, yes. But none of them were from a bad place. I’ve tried to think of everyone involved but at the same time I’ve had to be a little selfish. This is my day, the only wedding day I’ll ever have, and so I had to make some cuts on the daytime guest list because we have wayyy more family than we originally anticipated, and I had to become tougher on my bridesmaids who made little effort to support me with shoe choices let alone hen do’s and dresses. And then there’s the issue of untimely pregnancies that coincide with my big day, and it when it’s the one person that you needed by your side, helping you with all of the big, little and tedious demands of the day, it was just easier to suggest that they took a step back to enjoy it all and then in turn, I could relax too, knowing that my helping hand wouldn’t be 8 months pregnant and exhausted by the time we got to 10am. 

But none of that matters. Not right now anyway. It mattered when I messaged each one of them, when I was frustrated or hurt by their words (or lack of) or confused by their choices and their decisions. But in 3 months time I will be married, regardless of who is there and what role they all have. And after that, all of this will be irrelevant and if anything, I wish that it hadn’t had to become such a big deal in the first place. I wish I hadn’t promised people an invite before we’d sat down with the guest list (and our finances), I wish that I didnt even need a bridal party, or a hen do. I wish that I could go back and tell myself 6 months ago that the things I was stressing over were going to push people away. But more importantly, I wish that I didn’t feel as though I’m the one to blame, because I’ve been told many times, that I’m not. 

But now regardless of everything, I’m facing spending next Friday night alone and sat here racking my brains trying to think of someone I can spend it with because my remaining friend is swanning off to Portugal and  my other half is with friends. And yes it is one night, and yes I will probably just binge watch TOWIE and sleep and stretch out in bed. But I suddenly feel really really sad that’s it’s come to this. I suddenly feel really really lonely.