I don’t really feel the urge to write as much as I did before, and I don’t know whether that’s a good thing or a bad thing.
The last few days have been a whirlwind, I haven’t cried as much as I thought I would, I haven’t sat playing it over and grieving over it l as much as I thought I would, and I certainly haven’t felt as sad as I thought I would.
Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had my moments, and I don’t know how many moments are yet to come, but today is actually the first morning where I’ve woken up and not felt so great, it’s almost as if something has shifted.
He, for the last 9 months has been my best friend, my lover and partner all rolled into one and this would have been the most testing couple of weeks for even the strongest of couples. So it has surprised me at how well we have dealt with it and how we have managed to move through this togethe, causing only minimal destruction to our relationship and to each other.
But today, I feel different. It’s as though the fears I had last week have manifested and I’ve woken up feeling different about everything. About us, about our relationship. I don’t know if it’s just a case of ‘waking up on the wrong side of bed’, but for some reason, I’m looking at things in whole different light.
I’m seeing us as damaged, tainted. Like this will always be a shadow lurking in the background of our relationship forever. Like we will always look back at this month with pain and regret, and remember amount of times we’ve seen each other completely pushed to the brink, crying relentlessly or not speaking for hours. The amount of ‘in the moment’ mean things we’ve said to one another, the petty arguments, the gruelling decision making. The countless hospital appointments and scans where we did and didn’t want to see a baby. And then Wednesday, where we sat in a room together and made such a huge decision that played out in only a split second.
I refuse to let this define us. I know that things will get better and we will become stronger because of it. I just can’t help wishing that we could go back a few months, and carry on being that carefree couple who laughed at lost in all the wrong places and went on spontaneous hotel dates and had picnics in the garden and drank pimms and lemonade in the middle of the day, just because.
I want to be those people again, because right now, I don’t know who we are.