Rambling

He can be so cold. 

I mean, I get it. I’m a cold person too – at times. But his always feels so unexpected, and I’m never prepared.

It’s a pretty big jump to make I guess. One minute everything is so loving and happy and you feel as though you’re the luckiest person alive. And then from nowhere you feel shut out and alone. It’s not all the time, but when it happens, it’s shit. 

I’m so angry and frustrated right now. I can’t sleep after arguments, and if I do it’s always a disturbed sleep of tossing and turning and checking my phone every 15 minutes. So I get even more frustrated that he just finds it so easy to sleep, to shut me out even further. As if theres nothing him tonight that wants to fight, to sort it, and that feels even worse. 

So here I am, sat in the spare room, venting all of my anger and frustration into this blog and I feel like I could cry. It was such a lovely night, we hardly ever argue and this has just ruined a such perfect evening. All of our arguments are stupid, petty arguments that we’ll forget about and laugh about within a few hours. But it’s the right now that feels horrible, the part where you’re so annoyed that you just want to curl up and cry, and the party where you wish you could just rewind things 30 minutes and change the outcome. How you sit and think that only an hour ago you were cuddling and laughing and now you’re in separate rooms and how you couldn’t have predicted it. 

Since he moved position at work he’s been a lot happier, much much happier and that’s made me happier so we’re all winners. But every now and then it’s as bough he bottles all of that tension and let’s it build until it’s been days and days and then he gets annoyed at me over something that I feel is not as a big deal as he’s making it out to be. 

I know I’m bias, and right now I’m just sad so I’m rambling but I just hope this passes.  

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worst case senarios

Last night I had the shitest dream. In fact it wasn’t a dream, it was a nightmare. 

You know those dreams that stay with you all day? Where they feel so real whilst you’re in them, that you wake up and have to convince yourself that this is your reality and that was all in your head. Well that’s what happened to me last night, twice.

The first dream didn’t bother me as much as the second, the second has stuck with me all morning and I keep reliving it. The way I felt, how I was crying and screaming. The horrible feeling of dread. It all felt so real and it still hurts now. 

To cut a long story short, I had a dream that my abortion had failed, and the hospital called me in to have an emergency cesaraean. That’s basically it, but everything that happened in between and all of the emotions and confusion that I felt were absolutely harrowing. I actually woke up panicking. My heart was racing and I was sweating buckets and for a few moments I was so confused about what was going on. I don’t know why my mind is in that place, thinking those things and making me dream about worst case scenarios, but it’s shit. 

I feel terrible today and I can’t figure out if it’s the wine from last night or my dreams. To be honest it’s probably a combination of both and now I’m more than likely going to spend my first Sunday off in forever feeling like crap. 

I wish I could just switch off from it all. Even when its not on my mind it still is – subconsciously and that’s even worse because it’s caught me completely off guard and I don’t know what to make of it.

I think I just need some time alone, a long bubble bath, some chill music and some scented candles and maybe then I’ll be able to wash these demons away. 

absolutely blank

I’ve been in bed for most of the day and I can’t for the life of me figure out what’s wrong. 

I don’t really feel with it today, in fact I feel a bit detached from myself, like I’m watching from the outside.

I’ve wasted my day off completely, by trawling websites for Black Friday deals that I don’t need and hoping that I’ll come across  Christmas present inspiration, but even when I have I haven’t actually ordered anything. I’m literally just filling time and hoping that eventually I’ll become so engrossed in something that I won’t notice how slowly it’s passing and how uneventful my day has been.

I don’t know if I’m bored or just feeling majorly sorry for myself (probs the latter), but I’m in such a daze that even typing is taking up a ridiculous amount of energy that I should have stacked up seeing as I haven’t moved all day. I want to do something, but I can’t be bothered to get up and get dressed, and I want to see people but I can’t be bothered to make conversation. I’m just living a massive juxtaposition right now and it’s shit. 

Maybe I’m getting bored of life because nothing seems challenging anymore. A year ago I was juggling a million and one different pressures and everything was difficult, but I was always busy and that kept me stimulated. Now everything is so easy and I don’t think I can deal with easy for very long, my mind needs to be challenged or (so it seems) it just switches off completely and I’m sat here all day absolutely blank. 

Any normal person would love this free time, but not me, not now anyway. 

a new type of normal

I’m so drained today.

I’ve yawned all morning at work and now that I’m home I just want to nap. I haven’t been this tired since I was pregnant.

I know I’m not, I 1000% know that I’m not. But my mind did wander earlier and for a brief second it did cross it, I think it’s just because I realised that I’d be 10 weeks today, and I panicked that maybe it hadn’t worked. 

It’s so unbelievably stupid of me though because I know that it has. I’ve bled, I’ve had cramps, I’ve cried, I’ve been a hormonal mess and I’ve gone through this process for 4 weeks now, which is long enough to know that it without a doubt has worked. 

Apparently it can take between 6 weeks and 6 months for my body to get back to normal, which means at the very least, I have still two weeks to go. But I don’t know what normal is anymore. I’m on new contraception which will make it even harder for me to recognise when I feel like myself again because of what it’s doing to my hormones and my periods, so I guess I’m just waiting to feel a new type of normal. A new me. 

It’s ironic that this new me will coincide with the new year.  I just hope that whoever she is, she’s happy, focussed and determined to make next year a year to remember. 

23/11/16

Today I feel alive.

I feel more alive than I have done for a long, long time.

It’s weird that throughout the day I start thinking about what I would type when I’m sat here later on. There’s moments where I wish I could freeze time and write exactly what I’m thinking because it’s all worded so beautifully in my head and I feel like it would describe how I’m feeling perfectly.

But instead I type it all way later when the feelings are all jumbled up and I’m trying to remember how I felt earlier on and its just way harder to write in retrospect. I know one thing though, something that’s still with me, even now. Earlier I looked at him and I felt so unbelievably in love.

I am always in love with him, that never changes. But every now and then there will be this intense rush or a burst and it completely overwhelming and even now it still takes me by surprise. I remember when we first got together and I never used to be able to look at him in the eyes for too long with getting a butterfly feeling and the urge to kiss him, I was so crazy in love and it drove me wild, he drove me wild.

He still does drive me wild, but in between the mundane routine of work and sleep and eating together and just life in general, its a lot harder to have time solely for us, and even when we do, it usually consists of talking about work, and dinner and life in general and the wedding. Especially the wedding.

But today, on this momentous occasion, we were alone, and it was beautiful. It was the best morning I’ve had in such a long time and it gave me the chance to really look at him and appreciate every inch of him. I looked into his eyes and I was just overcome with happiness, because he looks at me the way that every girl only dreams being looked at, he looks at me as though he couldn’t love me any more if he tried, and I felt it.

There’s a quote from Wuthering Heights that goes ‘He’s more myself than I am. Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same’ and I don’t think I could describe us better if I tried. He makes life so much better, every day so much more exciting and the future seem brighter than it ever has before. My life before was in black and white but he has filled it with the most exquisite colours and every day is better than the last.

Today, I feel like me again.

Today I am not defined by the past, instead I am enjoying the present and excited by the future, and if thats not a good day, then I don’t know what is.

20/11/16

I’ve tried to write this post twice, and I’ve deleted it – twice. 

Today I think I’m just conflicted. Nothing really makes sense in my head and I don’t understand why I’m crying. I don’t understand why it’s still affecting me so badly and I don’t understand why we did it. 

Today is just full of regret. Today I thought about it all day, about what stage I would be at, what I’d be craving and how much bigger I’d be. Today I have done it again and completely tortured my brain with thoughts of what ifs and it feels terrible. 

Life, since that day has felt like one big circle and I can’t seem to break it. If my blog posts were depicted in the shape of a rollercoaster it would most definitely be the Big Dipper, or maybe Nemisis. One day I’m happy and blogging away without a care in the world, I even glanced back at my old posts the other day and silently celebrated how far I’d come. But today I am back at square one. I am sad and I am remoursful and I am just completely drained with emotion. 

Today is a bad day. 

18/11/16

It feels as though I haven’t blogged in forverrrr. 

I was trying to figure out yesterday whether I only blog when I’m sad, or when I’m thinking about all of the things that have happened over the last few months, but I don’t think that’s true.

I’ve been thinking a lot just lately, but I just haven’t wanted to write about it. I held a baby the other day and I’d  been certain beforehand that once that day came around I’d be an absolute mess and cry and lose my shit. But I was fine, I was absolutely fine. In fact I felt nothing. It was just a cute, tiny, sleeping baby. But it reaffirmed the fact that I don’t want one anytime soon. 

I’m just not broody anymore and right now it feels as though that broodiness from before will never return. I longed for a baby and now they’re literally the last thing on my mind, I just don’t want to be pregnant again anytime soon, if ever. 

Maybe ever is a slight exaggeration, but every time I imagine my future now, it’s not with a baby. It’s with my husband and my daughter and a life full of travelling and eating good food. I’m determined to do my masters after I get married and find a job that I love and pays well and that I can grow with. I want to be free and children don’t allow that, not when they’re babies. It would be sleepless nights and long days at home with nothing but CBeebies and the baby for company, it would mean being out of work for months on end (and I saw what 3 weeks did to me – not pretty whatsoever) and sacrificing date nights and holidays for bottles and milk and a never ending supply of babygrows.

It sounds selfish but I just don’t want it. I don’t want any of it.

13/11/16

 9 months from today I will be a married woman. 

I will no longer have my surname, I will no longer be a miss, and I will no longer be part of two families, but three, and with it will inherit a sister in law, a brother in law and another set of parents. 

Most importantly though, I will have a husband. I will become the wife of a man whom I love from the very depths of my heart and would marry him this very second if I could. 

I haven’t had the urge to write over these last few days, but aside from being ridiculously busy, I’ve just been content with life and with spending time with my fiancé. But tonight I’m not writing because I’m annoyed, or sad or angry or confused, I’m writing because I’m happy. I’m so unbelievably happy and not a single bad thought has entered my head in almost two days. I also haven’t cried in three days which for me, right now, is a massive achievement. 

Life feels normal again, and we’ve slotted back into our routine, which feels oddly satisfying. There no longer feels like there’s an elephant in the room at random moments, and I no longer feel as though I constantly need to talk about how I’m feeling or getting irritated by the smallest thing (hallelujah!) Instead, I just want to cuddle and eat snacks and watch movies like before, and not as a way to fill the time between my crying episodes or to distract me from feeling like shit, but just as something for us to enjoy together as a couple after a long day at work. 

I remember when I was younger I used to have my friends stay over almost every weekend, and we’d go to the shop with my mum in the evening and get as many crisps and sweets and fizzy pop that she would allow (a measly but probably a sensible amount) and then come home and sit a watch movies and giggle and chat until the early hours. 

That’s exactly what living with him feels like, it’s like a sleepover, every single night. Except there’s no limit on how much crap we buy beforehand from Tesco, in fact most of the time I have to reign him and his sweet tooth in! And then we sit up and watch movies and talk and laugh and cuddle and sleep and every single night it feels too good to be true. Like living together shouldn’t be so easy, but it really is. He’s not only my fiancé but he is my best friend. 

He has seen me at my absolute worst, and he still loves me regardless. He has supported me and kept me strong and even on the darkest days and brightened them with his constant positivity and just love, so much love. I am so in awe of the way that he has dealt with everything, because I know he feels just as deeply as I do, but he has handled it so beautifully and patiently, and even on the days that he wanted to break, he made me and my broken self his priority, which is more than I could have ever wanted or expected.

Everything is getting better, finally. 

10/11/16

I want to go out and get really really drunk. 

It’s such a childish mentality, I know. But it’s just how I feel today. 

I don’t feel young right now, I feel old and boring and tired and fed up. I just want to feel 22 again and not 42. I want to go out and have a laugh and enjoy myself, because being at home is still absolute torture. 

It’s my day off work today and funnily enough, I’ve actually been looking forward to having some me time. But I just can’t relax, I’m still tearful and I still feel as though I constantly need cheering up. I don’t feel capable of making myself happy anymore, I just want to make plans and plans and plans and fill up all of my time. I just hate being alone.

I’m crying writing this, how sad is that? How sad is it that I can’t get through a single day without crying at something or another? I’m home alone right now, completely alone and usually I would love this but instead I’m just loathing every second and trying to find things to do. But the only thing I could do was bury my head into my pillow and cry so hard that it made me feel sick. 

I just want to be happy.

I keep thinking that I need to just get away, but I don’t know where or how long for. I’m miserable at work and now I’m miserable at home, and I’m pretty much miserable in everything that I do, and getting away feels like the only way to solve everything. I need a clear mind and a fresh start. 

I just don’t know, I don’t know if I should ring the doctor or just stick it out, because things have to get better sooner or later, don’t they? 

8/11/16

Today I took my final test, the one they give you so that you can take it two weeks later and check that you’re not still pregnant. I’m not. 

The box is clearly labelled as a ‘termination confirmation test’ and the instructions on the packet are even worse. Instead of being like my clear blue one from a few weeks ago where they state that the two blue lines confirm that you are pregnant, this instead tells you that two blue lines means that your termination has failed. 

I know it’s not been done to deliberately hurt anyone, and it’s probably a way to encourage people like me, who are still clinging on to the whole scenario – to move on and believe that the termination was what they wanted. That one blue line is exactly what they wanted, that no pregnancy is exactly what they wanted. And all of this is the best possible outcome. 

Maybe for some people that is the case, that upon taking this two week later test they feel an overwhelming sense of relief, but I don’t feel that way. Don’t  get me wrong, I don’t want to still be pregnant. Still being pregnant would without a doubt mean repeating this whole process and enduring even more weeks of anguish and pain, but that test this morning felt so final.

It was so strange seeing it tell me that I wasn’t pregnant when the last time I took one it said the complete opposite. I knew when they handed me that test and told me that I’d have to take it to check that everything had worked, that it would be bittersweet. But bittersweet it is not. That sounds way too nice and there is nothing at all sweet about this situation, I only feel bitter. 

I just wish that I didn’t have to confirm any of it.

I wish that none of this has happened. 

I wish that I hadn’t had an abortion.