mapped out

I just started this post saying that everything had changed, but then I realised that’s how I’ve started at least two other posts on my blog, so I decided to delete it.

The truth is, everything has changed. I don’t really know when or why, and my guess is just that we’ve become familiar with one another and we’re out of the honeymoon period, well at least thats how it feels.

There are moments in some days that are still absolutely magical, and I don’t doubt how much we love one another, because I know its a tremendous amount – and it’s still growing, but just lately, we’ve seemed to go through some sort of transitional period, and the buzz from the first 5,6,7 months has changed into something else, and I can’t really put my finger on it.

In all honesty, I think that part of it does come down to living together, it’s something that we’ve both addressed before, but it’s hard to talk about it without it seeming like moving in together was a bad idea. But before we did live together, every time we planned to meet was basically a date. It was time, set aside specifically for us to spend time together and do something together. Even when he moved near me, for the first few weeks I didn’t stay over every single night so the nights that I did, the whole night was ours, and we’d binge watch movies and make snacks and drink hot chocolate, and in the day, when we had days off work we’d make pizza or go for lunch or binge watch more movies. We were always doing something together, which was fine because the time that we didn’t spend together, we’d do our own thing and it all balanced out.

But when you live with someone, that all changes. Because you’re together all of the time, you have to try and delegate your free time between spending time with one another and doing your own thing and enjoying some ‘me’ time and I’m not gonna lie, it was a lot easier to do that when that time was already mapped out.

Now theres no clear line of ‘me’ time and ‘us’ time. It’s all ‘us’ time that gets split off and broken into chunks where we have our own time and try to figure out how much time is enough or too much time to be doing something thats not with each other. It’s something that I know we’ll figure out, eventually, but it’s not just that. It feels as though the ‘us’ time isn’t as exclusive as it once was, because where we used to plan to do things together, now we plan when to do things apart and spend all of that other time figuring out something to do together.

I think I’m just emotional this week and everything just feels way worse. I’m really aware of everything at the minute, behaviour, actions, words. I just feel it all way more than I usually do, like my senses are heightened, and I think I’ve just realised how our communication with one another has changed. Even little things, that a year ago we were so excited to do, now feel more like a chore. In the beginning, any time together was special, whether that was shopping in Ikea or walking around Tesco picking snacks, or sitting in the car for an extra half an hour just to talk. It was all special. We talked way more, we laughed more, and I felt as though we were invincible. I thought that it would always be that way, which I knew was impossible but it felt like that at the time. Like we’d never stop talking, or enjoying each others company, or do anything just to see each other for five minutes. Now it feels more like we’d do anything just to do the complete opposite.

I guess that its normal for this to happen, when you become used to be around someone all of the time, and waking up together goes from being a three times a week thing to an every day thing. But I can’t figure our why I’m feeling it now. I mean, we’ve been living together for nearly 10 months. Or maybe it’s because we were still in that honeymoon period even then, when we first lived together, because we’d only been together a few months. I guess I do wonder sometimes what we’d be like if we were still living separately now, and whether we’d be in the same position.

Somehow, I think not.




Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s