crazy eyes

Today I’m a bit of a mess, a tearful, stressed out, unmontivated mess. 

I actually had goals today; a mental list of things that I wanted to achieve over the 6 hours I have whilst my little girl is at school, and so far, 4 hours in, I’ve done nothing. 

I think I woke up in a bad mood in all honesty. From the moment I woke up this morning something just felt off and now lying around in bed refreshing social media is the only thing that I can be bothered to do. 

I had a dream last night that I was pregnant and I’m not entirely sure whether that’s contributing to this absolute shit mood I’m in, but I do know for sure that I’ve woken up in a worse mood than I went to bed in and that seems to be the only logical answer. But even when I’m writing this now, I’m not even sure whether I did go to bed completely happy last night, and maybe that has something to do with this too. 

I’m one of those people who lives very much in the past. So things like timehop and Facebook memories are an absolute nightmare because I always end up thinking about this time last year. I don’t know whether it’s because things have changed so much between then and now, or whether I’m just somebody who loves the ‘what’s happened’ rather than the ‘what’s to come’ but I just love thinking about where I was and who I was and what I felt. The future, and thinking about this time next year scares me because I don’t know what might happen between now and then. I’ve become so much more anxious just lately about health issues and freak accidents that thinking about my life before is way more comforting than thinking about a future that is so unpredictable. 

But anyway, like I said. I live in the past. a lot. And last night I found myself wishing that I could go back a whole year. Exactly one year to the day. Nothing particularly exciting happened this time last year, but I know what was about to happen. I know that I was only weeks away from falling head over heels in love and so was he. I know that I was about to experience a multitude of butterfly moments for days,weeks, months on end and feel a connection with him that I’ve never felt with any other human in the world. It was electric. Everything was so passionate, every text, every phone call. Every time we met up we would talk non stop for hours on end, not losing one another’s gaze for a second. We’d fight the urge to kiss or to touch because we didn’t know if the timing was right, but then we did and I swear fireworks could’ve gone off at the exact moment. Even after that, when we became a couple, we didn’t lose sight of one another, not for a second. We couldn’t keep our hands off of each other, work was filled with secret glances and texting when we weren’t near one another and even when we were we’d still do something to get the others attention. We went on date after date, drive after drive and talked until the early hours about life and love and our hopes and dreams. I learnt more about not only him, but myself in those first few months because I started to open up, to trust, and allowed myself to fall so hard – knowing full well that he would catch me. We made plans to travel, to drive for weeks on end with budget hotels booked along the way, we bought a map so we could stick it on the wall and draw out a route. We had the odd sleepover and then spent nights apart missing one another like crazy until we met up again. We went for breakfasts, for lunch, for dinner together and talked and talked. We got so crazy and we were so in love that we go engaged after two weeks and even that didn’t feel soon enough. He moved close by so that he didn’t have to commute as much and I moved my stuff in. I bought an extra toothbrush so I could stay there half a week without having to pack a suitcase every time I left home. I bought shower gel, pjs, razors, makeup wipes all for his house and it felt so right. So exciting. I stayed over, he worked, I worked. Sometimes I stayed in bed when he left, sometimes (okay maybe all the time) he would drive me to work on my day off. He cut me a key, he cooked me dishes that I’d never tried and I’d turn up in the evening, the house smelling amazing and we’d eat and wedding plan and talk and eat more and we’d fuck. Every night. Every single night. We showered together, we had lazy days eating the only snacks he had in the house because we’d forgotten to buy food. We made pizza together. I wore his clothes and did my uni work on his bed, he’d read my work, cuddle me when I cried tears of pretty much everything. Stress, anger, confusion. He helped me edit, made me a spreadsheet so I could work out my overall grade before my results even came in. We tried new things, things that I never thought I’d try in my life and he was there by my side, every step of the way. 

Then he moved in. 

I don’t even know why I gave that it’s own line, because now it looks horrible. It looks like something I didn’t want, or that I’m regretting. But I’m not, I’m really not. I just miss those days. I miss the early days when it was all exciting all the time. We used to say to one another that we couldn’t live like that forever, that hyped up all the time with crazy eyes and our hearts at 200. We said it was impossible. That one day we would have a routine and we’d still be madly in love, but it wouldn’t be as exhilarating or exciting. But even when we said it, I didn’t see it happening, not really, because we were obsessed with each other and I thought it would never change. But now, life has changed. And we have a routine, we go to work either together or separately, or one of us (usually me) is off. Then when we get home we have dinner pretty much immediately so that we can go upstairs and chill. And that’s exactly what we do. We go upstairs and we chill out. We have a chat about our day, we sit and scroll through our phones for about 45 minutes. I have a shower, we get into bed for a cuddle and we watch a movie or a tv programme and then we sleep. 

Now I know better than most that this is the way that relationships become, especially when you’ve been together a while. I know that the fact we still communicate is a massive plus as is fact that we still make time for one another. I know this. 

I know that this is all normal. I know that petty arguments are normal, and big arguments are also normal. I know that moments of silence when you’re eating is normal, that routine is normal, discussing finances or saving money or our work schedule is normal, moaning about work is definitely normal as is moaning in general.

 I know that life couldn’t have stayed the way it was before because we were transitioning, and falling deeper in love. The the natural stage of progression was to move in and get engaged but then you’re spending so much time with one another that planning road trips where you can be together for two full weeks doesn’t seem as exciting, or where showering together is the most difficult thing in the world when there’s other people in your house and the cubicle barely fits one of you let alone both. Where talking into the early hours would be considered exhausting if we have an early start the next day and most probably a waste of time because we could be watching a movie together instead, in absolute silence. But then is there really as much to talk about? When you’ve covered how your day was, how work went, who’s pissed you off, how you’re feeling health wise/state of mind wise/body wise, what you fancy for dinner, how dinner tasted, what you could eat tomorrow, what essentials you need from Tesco, what movie you fancy watching tonight and what time you think the alarm should be set for tomorrow, is there really anything else to say? Do we know each other that well already that we don’t need to ask questions anymore about life or wants or desires or needs or dreams or hopes or worries of fears?

This is so long and my hand has the worst cramp. But what I’m trying to say is that for the last 24 hours I’ve been missing the before. Which is honestly the most stupid thing in the world to miss. Because things and people and relationships change every single day, it’s just part of what makes them what they are. I just wish I was so nostalgic. 

ups and downs

I cried on New Years Day and now I’m almost certain that it’s contributed to my pretty shitty start to January.

I know we’re only four days in but every single day so far hasn’t gone without its ups and downs and today was a massive down. 

I was sure that this year would be a fresh start and I wouldn’t carry the crap across with me from 2016, and when I say crap, I only mean the stuff that initially made me want to blog, the rest of my year (as I’ve made clear thousands of times) was absolutely perfect.

But I guess it doesn’t matter if it’s a new day, a new week or a new year, some things will stick with us until we’re ready to let them go, and there are just some things that I haven’t yet let go and it doesn’t feel as though I will any time soon. 

midnight kiss

I can’t believe it’s a new year. 

Well I can, but I can’t believe it’s been a whole year since I was lying around on New Year’s Day 2016 thinking about him way more than I should’ve been. 

I remember that he’d had a night out it Brighton and I remember that I’d wished I was spending New Years with him. I don’t even know why I’d become so obsessed with spending time with him but it had happened, and I knew that a night with him would’ve been a thousand times better than the night I’d had. 

I also remember asking him if he’d had a kiss at midnight. He said he hadn’t and there was this part of me that was glad, really really glad and I still, even at that point had no idea why. Never in a million years did I think that I’d be his midnight kiss exactly one year on.

The other night, he said something to me whilst we were lying together and it will stick with me forever, because I couldn’t sum up our relationship better if I tried. He said we were like two teenagers, at the end of summer just getting to know each other, and that’s exactly how this has all felt. Yes it has been a whirlwind and yes it has been tough at times, but every single day he makes me smile and everything we do together makes me feel so alive and so young. Getting to know him, has been the highlight of my year. We just slot together like two perfect jigsaw peices and even thinking about life before is such a blur because I can’t really remember a life without him in it. 

Last year in general was without a doubt the best yet. I met the love of my life, I graduated, I celebrated, I laughed until it hurt, I went to Amsterdam, I drank, I danced, I smoked, I loved and more than anything, I lived. Last year I felt like a bird set free from a tiny cage, I felt invincible and exited about everything, I experienced things that I never thought I could or would and I finally found me. There were dark days, as there always are. But those days don’t seem half as dark as they would’ve done a few years ago, because they were outshone by all the amazing times I had and my year was absolutely perfect. 

2016 you were good to me, but 2017, you’ll be better.

I was right 

It’s been a whole year since I first got to know him. Only a year.

At the same time, I can’t believe that it’s been a year. I remember the day so clearly (well parts of it), but I remember exactly how I felt. I remember waiting after work for my friend to meet me for our Christmas drinks/dinner night and he came out after me, he was going to his friends flat and asked me what I was waiting for and when I told him, he told me to have a good night. 

I got butterflies. It’s so silly but every conversation we had at that point, however pointless or insignificant meant everything to me. I wanted to go with him – to his friends flat. I remember wanting my night to be spent with him more than with my friend, which was crazy. 

Then he texted me whilst I was eating dinner to check that my friend had actually shown up and I hadn’t been stood up. That was the first text he sent me, and I got butterflies again. There was a part of me that knew he was thinking about me, and even if it wasn’t in the same way that I was thinking about him, I was on his mind for sure, and that meant everything. 

Once I got a few drinks down me I was brave enough to add him on snapchat, and sent him various pictures of my drinks, me and my friend posing and definitely a few selfies. I was flirting with him. It was beyond crazy, I wanted him. I wanted him to tell me he would meet me after, or to ask me out for a Christmas drink, or to tell me he wanted to spend some time with me. The things that were running through my head were in no way that of a sane person, I had fallen for him so hard, but I knew he wasn’t there. Not yet anyway. 

At the time none of it made sense. I couldn’t understand how this stranger was having such an impact on my thoughts, my feelings, my life. He gave me butterflies every single time we spoke and I wanted to be around him as much as possible. I wanted to know more about him and his life. He intrigued me in a way that nobody else ever has. I remember the next day (because by now we’d built up a sort of constant texting friendship thing) I messaged him and said ‘tell me something about yourself’. That was hands down the most direct I’ve ever been with someone that I hardly knew. I think I baffled him too because he kept asking what I wanted to know. But the truth was, I wanted to know everything. I wanted to bond with him, I could’ve talked to him all night if he’d let me. I had fallen for him, completely and utterly and it left me so dumbfounded that I couldn’t help but pursue it. I knew that he had been brought into my life for a reason that I just didn’t know yet and I let my heart rule my head. Every logical thought completely evaporated and I allowed myself to act like a lovesick teenager, and I loved it.

I loved the feeling of wanting someone so bad without explaination. I loved that it was all so confusing in my head and most likely non existent in his, I loved it all because it felt like fate. It felt like a movie. I was drawn to this man like a magnet for no reason whatsoever and the thought of him and us consumed me. Life right then for me was terrible, but he (without even realising it) gave me something to focus on and a reason to fight. I stopped being so afraid of my future because I knew that I wanted it to be with him, and he was the best person I’d ever met. I knew that a life with him would a be a life worth living ten times over. 

And I was right. I was so, so right. 

safe zone

I did it again.

I looked at that girls profile, the one that’s only two weeks ahead of what I would’ve been, and I want to cry. 

It’s a horrible thing to do, I’m playing games with my own mind and nothing good ever comes from it. Her gender scan is on Monday, which means I’m just two weeks time, just after Christmas, we would’ve found out what we were having. 

Time has gone so quickly that even now it astounds me to think that it’s been over 7 weeks since I did it. Almost two months have passed, and even though I should be grateful that I’m moving further and further away from that shitty day, all I can seem to think about is how much more pregnant I would be by now. How big I would be, how close we’d be to buying blue clothes or pink clothes and choosing names and wall colours. How we’d well and truly be in the safe zone by now, and free to tell all of our friends the news. I’d definitely be showing as well, the girl on my instagram has such a neat bump all ready and it’s only her first baby, they say you get much bigger with your second. 

I don’t know what it is about today, I don’t know if it’s because I had to speak to the doctor about it this morning, or whether it’s because I’ve suddenly become so broody that it hurts even more to think it all. It was easier before, when I decided that I didn’t want one and I didn’t want to get pregnant ever again. It meant that everything we’d lost wasn’t in vain. Well not really, but I was able to see it that way, sort of. 

But now I’m back to being broody again, so broody but so scared of it all. I just keep thinking what if?  And I knew I would because I’m that person. All I ever do is think about what could’ve happened and the chances I didn’t take and this is a massive chance that I didn’t take, that I didn’t risk and I wish more than anything that I could just know what would’ve happened if we’d gone ahead.

I feel as though I’m typing the same things day in, day out. Which is why I haven’t wrote much just lately, this is becoming less of a blog and more like a space where I just vent about the same thing. I can’t even read back because it makes me sadder than I already am and on good days I just don’t bother writing at all, which must make this all one hell of a depressing read. 

On the plus side I’m feeling a little more Christmassy which is a positive. I just need to get to 2017 so that I can say that this is all last year. 

I think I’ll feel better that way. 

tsunami

I have the headache to end all headaches. 

I hate feeling so crappy. I hate feeling like something’s wrong when it shouldn’t be, or should it? 

Something has changed. It weird because I know said that about 10 posts ago, but back then I didn’t really know what change was. Now I do. I can feel it and I know that nothing is the same right now as it was before. I feel different and I wish more than anything that I didn’t. My minds gone into overdrive and I’m drained from my own thoughts. I can’t even form a sentence properly because I’m so preoccupied with everything that’s swimming around in my head that’s slowly turning into a tsunami.

I need to cry, I just need a long shower and a cry and maybe then I’ll feel half decent. I don’t even know what I’ll be crying about, or maybe I do. I don’t know, everything’s a bit confusing right now. 

Life suddenly got crappy and there’s a massive part of me that just wasn’t ready for it. About 6 months ago I was on edge and always ready for disaster to strike. I always thought it was just on the horizon, waiting to attack me when I was least expecting it, so I was always expecting it, and in a strange way, it made me feel safe. But then nothing did go wrong, and I started to let go and to enjoy the fact that nothing was wrong, and I genuinely started to love life. 

But now, I wish I had been expecting this, I wish I’d seen it coming and I wish that I’d been more prepared, because it’s hit me hard. Really, really hard. 

no prisoners

This last year has been an absolute whirlwind. 

Timehop reminds me every day of just how miserable I was a year ago. I look at the pictures I shared or the posts I tweeted and there’s a memory behind every single one – mostly bad. Pretty much every day was a blur last December, I was in a really dark place. 

It’s strange though, just how happy I was able to seem and how nothing really hinted at the fact I was struggling, or that I was heartbroken, devasted, drained of emotion. I still seemed happy, I still looked happy, but looking back I know that I was only sharing what I wanted people to see and portraying the girl I wanted people to believe I was, which was, and still is the saddest part of it all. 

I wanted to seem as though I had my shit together when I really didn’t and I wanted more than anything for things to magically fall into place, but I never in a million years thought that they would. I kept thinking about how 2016 was going to be for me and all I saw was a catastrophic mess. I envisioned myself crying day in day out and I deep down believed that it was going to be the worst year of my entire life. Everything that I had going for me felt irrelevant because I was so wrapped up in this bubble of believing that my relationship was the be all and end all of everything. That I wouldn’t survive out of it, or more importantly, that I wouldn’t want to.

So flash forward 12 whole months and I’m a brand new me. The last year has brought me more highs than any other year that I’ve lived, and I’ve found a love that I never thought existed, and even now I still have to pinch myself because it all just seems so surreal. 

But more than anything, this last year has taught me that nothing is predictable. It doesn’t matter just how determined you are to make something work or to see something through to the end. It doesn’t matter who’s in your life and who’s out of it and it definitely doesn’t matter how comfortable you are or even how happy you are. Life takes no prisoners. Things will happen whether you want them to or not, people will leave whether you want them to or not and believe it or not, the things that you’re certain that you want to happen won’t always be the things that you’ll want a year down the line. 

And so this, has left me wondering at 1am. Where on earth will I be this time next year? 

carbon copy

It’s rare to find a soul exactly like yours. Or to come across someone who’s brain works completely in sync with your own. But I have. 

For almost three days I was playing mind games with myself and I was afraid to tell him how I was feeling through fear of looking silly or insecure or petty. But yesterday, it came out. I knew it would, but I’d hoped it wouldn’t. 

He is without a doubt the carbon copy of me. He managed to make even the silliest thoughts seem as though they mattered. He consoled me, he made me feel better without even having to try and not once did he belittle me or make me feel as stupid as I was already feeling. 

I am so blessed to have found him and to have found someone who I can be myself around even when it’s not the best version of me. He understands the way that I think and feel and we just connect in a way that I though would be impossible. I thought that there would be nobody out there who was exactly like me, but he is and it makes me fall more in love with him by the second. 

Everybody has a soulmate, I have always believed that, and I’ve been lucky enough to find mine. He is my everything, forever. 

Rambling

He can be so cold. 

I mean, I get it. I’m a cold person too – at times. But his always feels so unexpected, and I’m never prepared.

It’s a pretty big jump to make I guess. One minute everything is so loving and happy and you feel as though you’re the luckiest person alive. And then from nowhere you feel shut out and alone. It’s not all the time, but when it happens, it’s shit. 

I’m so angry and frustrated right now. I can’t sleep after arguments, and if I do it’s always a disturbed sleep of tossing and turning and checking my phone every 15 minutes. So I get even more frustrated that he just finds it so easy to sleep, to shut me out even further. As if theres nothing him tonight that wants to fight, to sort it, and that feels even worse. 

So here I am, sat in the spare room, venting all of my anger and frustration into this blog and I feel like I could cry. It was such a lovely night, we hardly ever argue and this has just ruined a such perfect evening. All of our arguments are stupid, petty arguments that we’ll forget about and laugh about within a few hours. But it’s the right now that feels horrible, the part where you’re so annoyed that you just want to curl up and cry, and the party where you wish you could just rewind things 30 minutes and change the outcome. How you sit and think that only an hour ago you were cuddling and laughing and now you’re in separate rooms and how you couldn’t have predicted it. 

Since he moved position at work he’s been a lot happier, much much happier and that’s made me happier so we’re all winners. But every now and then it’s as bough he bottles all of that tension and let’s it build until it’s been days and days and then he gets annoyed at me over something that I feel is not as a big deal as he’s making it out to be. 

I know I’m bias, and right now I’m just sad so I’m rambling but I just hope this passes.  

worst case senarios

Last night I had the shitest dream. In fact it wasn’t a dream, it was a nightmare. 

You know those dreams that stay with you all day? Where they feel so real whilst you’re in them, that you wake up and have to convince yourself that this is your reality and that was all in your head. Well that’s what happened to me last night, twice.

The first dream didn’t bother me as much as the second, the second has stuck with me all morning and I keep reliving it. The way I felt, how I was crying and screaming. The horrible feeling of dread. It all felt so real and it still hurts now. 

To cut a long story short, I had a dream that my abortion had failed, and the hospital called me in to have an emergency cesaraean. That’s basically it, but everything that happened in between and all of the emotions and confusion that I felt were absolutely harrowing. I actually woke up panicking. My heart was racing and I was sweating buckets and for a few moments I was so confused about what was going on. I don’t know why my mind is in that place, thinking those things and making me dream about worst case scenarios, but it’s shit. 

I feel terrible today and I can’t figure out if it’s the wine from last night or my dreams. To be honest it’s probably a combination of both and now I’m more than likely going to spend my first Sunday off in forever feeling like crap. 

I wish I could just switch off from it all. Even when its not on my mind it still is – subconsciously and that’s even worse because it’s caught me completely off guard and I don’t know what to make of it.

I think I just need some time alone, a long bubble bath, some chill music and some scented candles and maybe then I’ll be able to wash these demons away.