Last night I had the shitest dream. In fact it wasn’t a dream, it was a nightmare.
You know those dreams that stay with you all day? Where they feel so real whilst you’re in them, that you wake up and have to convince yourself that this is your reality and that was all in your head. Well that’s what happened to me last night, twice.
The first dream didn’t bother me as much as the second, the second has stuck with me all morning and I keep reliving it. The way I felt, how I was crying and screaming. The horrible feeling of dread. It all felt so real and it still hurts now.
To cut a long story short, I had a dream that my abortion had failed, and the hospital called me in to have an emergency cesaraean. That’s basically it, but everything that happened in between and all of the emotions and confusion that I felt were absolutely harrowing. I actually woke up panicking. My heart was racing and I was sweating buckets and for a few moments I was so confused about what was going on. I don’t know why my mind is in that place, thinking those things and making me dream about worst case scenarios, but it’s shit.
I feel terrible today and I can’t figure out if it’s the wine from last night or my dreams. To be honest it’s probably a combination of both and now I’m more than likely going to spend my first Sunday off in forever feeling like crap.
I wish I could just switch off from it all. Even when its not on my mind it still is – subconsciously and that’s even worse because it’s caught me completely off guard and I don’t know what to make of it.
I think I just need some time alone, a long bubble bath, some chill music and some scented candles and maybe then I’ll be able to wash these demons away.