It feels as though I haven’t blogged in forverrrr.
I was trying to figure out yesterday whether I only blog when I’m sad, or when I’m thinking about all of the things that have happened over the last few months, but I don’t think that’s true.
I’ve been thinking a lot just lately, but I just haven’t wanted to write about it. I held a baby the other day and I’d been certain beforehand that once that day came around I’d be an absolute mess and cry and lose my shit. But I was fine, I was absolutely fine. In fact I felt nothing. It was just a cute, tiny, sleeping baby. But it reaffirmed the fact that I don’t want one anytime soon.
I’m just not broody anymore and right now it feels as though that broodiness from before will never return. I longed for a baby and now they’re literally the last thing on my mind, I just don’t want to be pregnant again anytime soon, if ever.
Maybe ever is a slight exaggeration, but every time I imagine my future now, it’s not with a baby. It’s with my husband and my daughter and a life full of travelling and eating good food. I’m determined to do my masters after I get married and find a job that I love and pays well and that I can grow with. I want to be free and children don’t allow that, not when they’re babies. It would be sleepless nights and long days at home with nothing but CBeebies and the baby for company, it would mean being out of work for months on end (and I saw what 3 weeks did to me – not pretty whatsoever) and sacrificing date nights and holidays for bottles and milk and a never ending supply of babygrows.
It sounds selfish but I just don’t want it. I don’t want any of it.