13/11/16

 9 months from today I will be a married woman. 

I will no longer have my surname, I will no longer be a miss, and I will no longer be part of two families, but three, and with it will inherit a sister in law, a brother in law and another set of parents. 

Most importantly though, I will have a husband. I will become the wife of a man whom I love from the very depths of my heart and would marry him this very second if I could. 

I haven’t had the urge to write over these last few days, but aside from being ridiculously busy, I’ve just been content with life and with spending time with my fiancé. But tonight I’m not writing because I’m annoyed, or sad or angry or confused, I’m writing because I’m happy. I’m so unbelievably happy and not a single bad thought has entered my head in almost two days. I also haven’t cried in three days which for me, right now, is a massive achievement. 

Life feels normal again, and we’ve slotted back into our routine, which feels oddly satisfying. There no longer feels like there’s an elephant in the room at random moments, and I no longer feel as though I constantly need to talk about how I’m feeling or getting irritated by the smallest thing (hallelujah!) Instead, I just want to cuddle and eat snacks and watch movies like before, and not as a way to fill the time between my crying episodes or to distract me from feeling like shit, but just as something for us to enjoy together as a couple after a long day at work. 

I remember when I was younger I used to have my friends stay over almost every weekend, and we’d go to the shop with my mum in the evening and get as many crisps and sweets and fizzy pop that she would allow (a measly but probably a sensible amount) and then come home and sit a watch movies and giggle and chat until the early hours. 

That’s exactly what living with him feels like, it’s like a sleepover, every single night. Except there’s no limit on how much crap we buy beforehand from Tesco, in fact most of the time I have to reign him and his sweet tooth in! And then we sit up and watch movies and talk and laugh and cuddle and sleep and every single night it feels too good to be true. Like living together shouldn’t be so easy, but it really is. He’s not only my fiancé but he is my best friend. 

He has seen me at my absolute worst, and he still loves me regardless. He has supported me and kept me strong and even on the darkest days and brightened them with his constant positivity and just love, so much love. I am so in awe of the way that he has dealt with everything, because I know he feels just as deeply as I do, but he has handled it so beautifully and patiently, and even on the days that he wanted to break, he made me and my broken self his priority, which is more than I could have ever wanted or expected.

Everything is getting better, finally. 

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