I want to go out and get really really drunk. 

It’s such a childish mentality, I know. But it’s just how I feel today. 

I don’t feel young right now, I feel old and boring and tired and fed up. I just want to feel 22 again and not 42. I want to go out and have a laugh and enjoy myself, because being at home is still absolute torture. 

It’s my day off work today and funnily enough, I’ve actually been looking forward to having some me time. But I just can’t relax, I’m still tearful and I still feel as though I constantly need cheering up. I don’t feel capable of making myself happy anymore, I just want to make plans and plans and plans and fill up all of my time. I just hate being alone.

I’m crying writing this, how sad is that? How sad is it that I can’t get through a single day without crying at something or another? I’m home alone right now, completely alone and usually I would love this but instead I’m just loathing every second and trying to find things to do. But the only thing I could do was bury my head into my pillow and cry so hard that it made me feel sick. 

I just want to be happy.

I keep thinking that I need to just get away, but I don’t know where or how long for. I’m miserable at work and now I’m miserable at home, and I’m pretty much miserable in everything that I do, and getting away feels like the only way to solve everything. I need a clear mind and a fresh start. 

I just don’t know, I don’t know if I should ring the doctor or just stick it out, because things have to get better sooner or later, don’t they? 


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