8/11/16

Today I took my final test, the one they give you so that you can take it two weeks later and check that you’re not still pregnant. I’m not. 

The box is clearly labelled as a ‘termination confirmation test’ and the instructions on the packet are even worse. Instead of being like my clear blue one from a few weeks ago where they state that the two blue lines confirm that you are pregnant, this instead tells you that two blue lines means that your termination has failed. 

I know it’s not been done to deliberately hurt anyone, and it’s probably a way to encourage people like me, who are still clinging on to the whole scenario – to move on and believe that the termination was what they wanted. That one blue line is exactly what they wanted, that no pregnancy is exactly what they wanted. And all of this is the best possible outcome. 

Maybe for some people that is the case, that upon taking this two week later test they feel an overwhelming sense of relief, but I don’t feel that way. Don’t  get me wrong, I don’t want to still be pregnant. Still being pregnant would without a doubt mean repeating this whole process and enduring even more weeks of anguish and pain, but that test this morning felt so final.

It was so strange seeing it tell me that I wasn’t pregnant when the last time I took one it said the complete opposite. I knew when they handed me that test and told me that I’d have to take it to check that everything had worked, that it would be bittersweet. But bittersweet it is not. That sounds way too nice and there is nothing at all sweet about this situation, I only feel bitter. 

I just wish that I didn’t have to confirm any of it.

I wish that none of this has happened. 

I wish that I hadn’t had an abortion. 

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