Life is a literal rollercoaster, and so are my emotions.
I just want to cry. To curl up in a ball and sob as hard as I can until there’s nothing left to cry anymore. I’m exhausted, and more than anything, I feel so lonely.
When does this get better? When will my mood regulate? When will I feel like me agin, all of the time and not just on spontaneous days before I turn back into the exorcist?
Last night was horrible, it had been perfect and then it just turned sour so quickly, and I’ll be the first to admit that it was down to me.
You see, regardless of everything that’s happened in the last few weeks or so, I feel as though I’m constantly battling other demons, ones that I’m always so desperate to ignore.
I compare him, and our life and everything that we do waaaay too much to my previous relationship. I look for warning signs at every opportunity and I feel as though I’m constantly seeking reassurance. It sucks because I know that my fiancé is nothing like my ex, and when I’m sat here feeling completely normal and looking at things objectively, I’m fine. But all it takes is a small trigger, the way he’ll look at me, or the way he will dismiss something or last night – seem uninterested in being physical and I literally see red.
I remember being in this position with my ex, except it was completely different because that relationship was failing. But I remember how last night felt all too familiar, it reminded me of how I felt before, and how just two nights later he told me he needed a break. How lonely and isolated I’d felt, and how I’d combed back over so many memories from the weeks before and tried to piece it all together, to look for the warning signs that my naive brain had overlooked. And now, I’m always looking.
But he is not him. And I wish more than anything, that my old toxic relationship hadn’t affected my ability to believe that someone can just love me, for me. And that sometimes everything is as it seems, and it will all be okay. Because I’m scared that if there’s anything that will destroy this relationship then it will be me.
I wish he had met me before I became so unhinged.