After

I didn’t expect to feel like this. 

I don’t know whether I’m just high on Codine or in a state of shock, but I feel surprisingly okay. 

The clinic we were at treated us with such care and dignity that it was easy at times to forget what we were there for. But in between the consultation and the prescription I did have a little cry, because all of a sudden, it does it hit you, and you remember the horrible reason why you’re there and what you’re about to do. 

I won’t go into the details, but my hands were shaking when I took the pill. I still wasn’t sure that I was making the right decision, but I knew we had come this far and that turning back now wasn’t an option. 
It’s been quite a few hours since I wrote those previous paragraphs, I had to stop writing because the pains got a little intense and I started watching Harry Potter as a distraction. But about half an hour ago I think I fully passed the pregnancy, and the relief is immense.

I feel cruel even writing that, let alone feeling it. But it was absolute torture being pregnant with something I knew wasn’t mine. Knowing that it’s gone now, completely gone, means that I can get on with my life and make an effort to move forward and being pregnant stopped me from doing that. It means that I can go back to work without this hanging over me and I can enjoy a drink again and just life in general, without feeling guilty. 

I think that’s what it all comes down to in the end – guilt. I was guilty for missing my pill in the first place and felt guilty that I was going to terminate. I felt guilty that I put my partner, my future in – laws and my own parents through the excitement of a baby only to tell them it wasn’t meant to be. I felt guilty that I could potentially have a child with a disability, and dreaded the amount of guilt that would come with it and I felt guilty that there are people out there, so desperate for a baby, and here I am about to get rid of mine. 

Guilt is such a horrible emotion, one of the worst in fact, and the only way to truely get over it is to get rid of the responsibility that’s tying you to it, and get on with life. 

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