I should probably explain…

Okay, so the next 3/4 posts are all small diary entries that I have been typing out on my phone since I first found out that I was pregnant.

I feel as though I should explain them a little and then after that the following ones should all make sense!

The first post is a few days after I found out that I was pregnant. I had been taken a drug called Accutane for 8 months, and had been warned many times of the dangers I faced if I was to fall pregnant. It’s classed as a ‘black label drug’ and therefore, can affect the baby both physically and mentally, causing horrendous and life changing abnormalities.

Now I will be the first to admit, that I was careless in the final months of taking the drug with my contraceptive pill, and accidentally missed a few, believing that everything would be okay. So imagine my horror when I found out I’d managed to do the unthinkable and fall pregnant, and the consequences I knew we would have to face.

I had however, stopped taking the pill six weeks before I found out was pregnant, and therefore there was, so we thought, a small window of opportunity where I may have conceived with the drug fully out of my system, however we had to wait until Monday the 10th of October to have this confirmed by a doctor – which it was.

Looking back now, I wish I had pushed her to research it a little more. She was inexperienced in the drug and we were in and out of the appointment within ten minutes. Considering that beforehand, we had spent the weekend in a complete daze – certain that this doctor was going to tell us to terminate, this news was completely unexpected, especially when she sent me away with an order to pick up some folic acid and to book in with the midwife, as we were without a doubt okay to have this baby.

So back to this post.

It was the day after we had been told the above news by our doctor, and I think my initial excitement had disappeared and quickly turned to panic.

We are one thousand percent ready for a baby, however the timing couldn’t have been worse. I worked out that I would be due a few weeks before our wedding, and may things that we had already booked like our honeymoon, would have to be cancelled. I’ll admit now that these thoughts were selfish, and completely irrational, but it was just the initial shock that we were now having a baby that we were so upset that we couldn’t have, and the reality began to sink in…



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