So the next posts, and the ones following are all after approximately 14236 doctors phones calls, hospital visits and consultations, where we were told that it was under no circumstances whatsoever safe to go ahead with this pregnancy.
We were told that the original doctor had little knowledge of the drug and the side effects, and therefore were referred from specialist to specialist, and eventually told that the risks were just too high, and that the usually recommendation is 6 months off of the drug, before you even begin to contemplate trying to conceive.
I must admit, that these last few weeks have been the hardest ones I have ever faced. I look back at my first post and feel an overwhelming sense of guilt, that I was so nonchalant about the whole situation. That I was so self absorbed and didn’t appreciate those few days where we though that we were having a baby, and instead spent them worrying about things that now seem so insignificant.
The next posts and the ones that will follow are all the build up to my termination, which will take place on Wednesday 26th October, when I will be a little over 7 weeks pregnant.
I only write when I really feel like it, and usually its a stream of consciousness and doesn’t make a lot of sense, but for now this is the only way that I can deal with the situation and will hopefully help me feel a sense of closure once it is all over.
I don’t know whether I will continue with this blog afterwards, and whether it will still focus on this, or everyday life. I hope I do. I hope that I continue to write, even if it is to nobody, because it feels so good to be typing without thinking, and to let it all out to a bunch of strangers overt the internet. I know I will probably be judged for my decision, judged for my thoughs, judged for my carelessness with contraception – but right now, nobody could possibly hate me as much as I do myself, and so therefore, I am prepared for any backlash.
But I do hope, that out of all of this, someone can comment and admit that they too would do the same in this situation. If they were told at such an early stage that the chances their baby having a severe disability was second to none. That despite what they had read on the internet about there being a small chance that everything could work out okay, that the risk is just not worth taking and is better for everybody involved.
I can only hope right?