23/10/16

I thought I was getting better.

I thought I was starting to become more like the old me again, enjoying things again, laughing again. But today I feel like absolute shit.

You’re never prepared for it, it’s always so out of the blue, so unexpected. I was literally fine until this morning when I woke up, and even until he went to work. But since then I’ve felt as though I’m carrying this dark cloud around with me and it’s raining everywhere I stand.

I know I should go out today, but I just can’t. I know I don’t want to face anyone, or have a conversation, or even get dressed. Today I don’t want to move out of my bedroom or open the curtains, today I just want to lie here and feel sorry for myself because I haven’t done that in a few days and now it’s starting to feel overdue, like I might cry if someone says the wrong thing to me. In fact I think I might just cry regardless.

He saves me and he doesn’t even know it. He doesn’t know how much my mood shifts when he’s around. How safe I feel when he’s next to me or puts his arm around me or kisses my head. He has no idea just how much I crave his warmth and his love when I’m on my own and just how massive the difference is when he’s here. I look into his eyes and I know everything will be okay, I know that all I need is to see him and to have him near me, and this whole mood just drifts away. He makes me laugh, he makes me smile and he makes all of this feel like it’s the most insignificant thing that could be happening to us right now, and I would never have thought anyone was capable of making me feel that way. Nobody.

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