Yesterday I think I lost it.
I mean fully lost it.
Looking back now it all seems so silly, so insignificant. But I remember how numb I felt and how every little thing felt so overwhelmingly bad. Life felt terrible, I have never felt as dark as I did yesterday. It was as though every inch of hope had been squeezed out of me and I couldn’t remember what it felt like to be happy, and was certain that I’d never feel it again.
My heart hurt and felt heavy, my head was pounding. Every thought was cloudy and depressing, I just knew that in that moment, I wanted it all to be over.
I went for a walk and I didn’t want to come home, I just wanted to cry and walk and cry some more and keep walking until I didn’t know where I was anymore. I wanted to be as lost as I felt and be that lost on my own. I wanted nobody and nothing, I didn’t even know what I was so down about. Having a baby/not having a baby/ not knowing/waiting. I was just so fed up of life and how miserable it was making me, I didn’t even salute the single magpies because I was so certain that this was as bad as it could get, that no amount of saluting would save me from the darkness.
Looking back now, I think I’d reached the end of my tether, well temporarily anyway. I lost sight of the end and it all felt so far away. Like I was being punished for being in this state, and so I was being left in this position for as long as physically possible so that I knew what it felt like to hurt. To fully fuck up. To pay for what I had done.